


My Peace, Forever Held

by sunxcherries



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Weddings, my inner wedding planner comes out in this so beware, remix eligible, so many love confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-09 19:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17412569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunxcherries/pseuds/sunxcherries
Summary: Merlin never thought getting Arthur drunk on his stag night would be anything but hilariously embarrassing for Arthur. What he never expects is a drunken confession that makes him rethink the last ten years of his and Arthur's friendship, the amount of alcohol a person should be allowed to drink, and the wedding that's taking place in less than twenty-four hours.





	My Peace, Forever Held

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as a small headcanon that on an impulse i wrote 2k for at two am. i then proceeded to not revisit it for a month, then finished it all in a week. my thanks and love go to my friends spriha and [nina](https://www.archiveofourown.org/users/minthalo/pseuds/minthalo), who listened to my incessant rambling and also gave me their ideas and support when i was stuck. this fic wouldn't have been finished without you!
> 
> reblog the [tumblr post](http://sunxcherries.tumblr.com/post/181993767196/fandom-merlin-tv-pairing-merlinarthur)

“I want to thank you all for coming tonight,” Arthur drawls from his perch on top of a table. The beer bottle in his right hand is swaying back and forth ominously as he struggles to maintain his balance after hours of drinking.

“You’re all such good friends, and I don’t know where I’d be without you.” Arthur hiccups and almost loses his balance before righting himself and staring into his beer. “Probably not as drunk.”

Merlin struggles to contain his laughter as hollers can be heard throughout the bar. Merlin can distinctly hear Gwaine yell “why don’t we drink to that?” as Leon and Elyan start furiously clapping. While it isn’t anything unusual to see Arthur drunk, especially for Merlin, a man only has one stag night in his lifetime (or that’s what you hope, at least), and Arthur’s is going spectacularly.

It’s just past midnight, and their little party has been going since dinner at six. Merlin feels just on the right side of tipsy, not getting too drunk as he knows he’ll have to be the one to get Arthur back to the hotel. It’s not a duty anyone ever assigns him; it’s one of those things that always just happens. He and Arthur’s friendship has always been like that; it’s how Arthur never technically asked Merlin to be his best man, just sent him a text one morning that said “ _how’s the speech coming along?”_ , and when Arthur got engaged, Merlin got numerous claps on the back from his friends and variations of, “You’d better strap in, mate. Best man for this one is gonna be a big job.”

The funniest thing is that they really have no idea. Arthur and Gwen had been dating for two years when Arthur finally popped the question, and it took three months of nagging from Merlin and two months of not-so-subtle hints from Gwen to get Arthur to do it. Even in his long-term relationship, Arthur had needed Merlin’s shoulder to lean on, and Merlin has found that he is always happy to provide it.

He just wishes he didn’t get that familiar twist in his gut every time he did.  _Oh well,_  he thinks.  _I’ve dealt with it for this long_.

He turns his attention back to the trainwreck happening before him and happily notices that his friends have started pulling out their phones to record Arthur. Merlin thinks fleetingly that if they’re quick enough, they could get this added to the wedding video. People outside of Arthur’s inner circle of friends rarely ever see this side of him, and it would be refreshing to show everyone this clumsy, open, trusting man for a change instead of the stiff CEO everyone else takes him for. He wants people to see the Arthur that he knows, the Arthur that he—

Well. That’s the problem, isn’t it?

Arthur takes another swig of his beer before addressing his audience once more. “It’s worth saying that as the name suggests, tonight is my last night as a bachelor.” Arthur pauses as more hollers ring out across the bar. “And tomorrow by this time, I will be married.”

Some whistles and catcalls can be heard throughout the room, no doubt inferring where exactly Arthur will be in twenty-four hours’ time. Merlin laughs lightheartedly and tries not to dwell on it.

“I want to thank Leon and Gwaine, for putting this night together and getting me this drunk. I should know not to drink with an Irishman by now.” Gwaine yells and pumps his fist in the air from behind his phone screen as Leon laughs and pats him on the back.

“I want to thank Elyan for keeping me in line, as it is his sister that I will be marrying tomorrow.”

“Cheers to that,” Elyan jokes, holding up his beer toward Arthur.

“I want to thank Percy for helping us wedding plan and for being patient during cake testing week.”

Everyone groans as they remember the agony of going through exactly seventeen different cake combinations; half the group insisted they all tasted the same, while the other half couldn’t believe they would say such a thing. At some point, Merlin had said “Just pick one at random, they’re all good!”, to which Morgana had replied “And have the chance of picking the lavender with lemon buttercream? Merlin, are you mad?”

It had been a trying week for all of them, but in the end, Percy had been the voice of reason to say they should choose the strawberry cake with vanilla buttercream, as strawberries were Arthur’s favorite, and Gwen preferred more classic flavor combinations. Merlin remembers Gwen tearing up and hugging Percy right there in the cake shop. In the end, they offered to pay more than the quoted price of the cake just to cover the inevitable trauma of the baker and the designer.

“We wouldn’t have gotten through that without you, and I know you’ve been a rock to all of us during this journey,” Arthur slurs, “so thank you.” A chorus of  _aww_ s goes through their friend group as Percy blushes and lifts his beer bottle up in salute.

“To Lance, for being there for Gwen when I couldn’t be,” Arthur says. Merlin tenses and snaps his gaze over to Lancelot, who’s tucked in the corner and sporting a sad smile. Lance is one of Merlin’s closest friends besides Arthur, and he knows that Lance has been in love with Gwen since university. The night after the engagement, he and Lance were sharing a bottle of wine, and some point long into the night Lance said to him, “It’s hard to see her with someone else, but she’s happy, you know?”

Merlin knows all too well.

Merlin looks back just as Arthur is chugging the last of his beer bottle, head thrown back and teetering dangerously. Merlin joins the others in a cheer.

“And finally,” Arthur drunkenly shouts, “to my best man!” Merlin smiles giddily and waves to the rest of their friends, who turn their cameras to get a good shot before turning back to Arthur.

“I wouldn’t be standing here drunk on this table tonight if it weren’t for Merlin,” Arthur starts. He locks eyes with Merlin and stares, and the smile on his face fades briefly as tension between them forms despite the light and happy air of the room. Merlin holds his gaze and swallows. “I wouldn’t be a lot of places if it weren’t for Merlin,” Arthur says, quieter now. Merlin’s breath hitches as he keeps his eye contact with Arthur steady.

“There are a lot of things in my life that I wouldn’t have done without Merlin.” The air in the room is significantly different now, everyone expecting a sappy speech that could only be delivered by an Arthur that was truly drunk. “I wouldn’t have fallen in love for the first time. Not the same way, at least.”

Merlin is immediately confused. He’s known Arthur since they were eleven, but he’s pretty sure he didn’t have anything to do with Arthur’s two-month fling with that girl Vivian their junior year; he did, however, have to deal with the five-month moping period when she inevitably broke up with Arthur, and Arthur cried into his chest and made him promise not to tell anyone. There’s no way Arthur could be talking about that.

“I wouldn’t still be in love if it weren’t for Merlin,” Arthur continues, louder now with his eyes locked with Merlin’s. “Ever since the summer that we turned fourteen.”

With that single sentence, Merlin’s whole world stops. He remembers, of course he does. He remembers the weekends spent at Arthur’s house, just the two of them when Uther was away on business and Morgana sneaked out with her friends. He remembers the one night they broke into the alcohol cabinet and got absolutely trashed.

He remembers Arthur kissing him sloppily on the mouth, having never kissed anyone before to acquire any sort of finesse. Neither of them had.

He remembers waking up with Arthur the next morning, the blond grumbling at him about how his head was pounding and he could hear colors. He remembers how Arthur said that he couldn’t recall a single thing that had happened, and not once after that night has Arthur shown any outright interest in Merlinーor in any men, for that matterーuntil tonight.

For the first time in years, Merlin lets himself remember the feel of Arthur’s lips against his own, messy and tainted with the taste of vodka but still undoubtedly Arthur. He used to let himself indulge in the memory, convincing himself that he couldn’t feel guilty about it if Arthur didn’t even remember it happening.

Apparently, he did.

“I trust you to know what I mean.” Arthur breaks Merlin out of his reverie with the earnestness in his tone. Merlin can do nothing but stare at Arthur in shock, and the room goes quiet as the tension between them rises. It’s clear that something’s very wrong, even if nobody else really can see what it is just yet, and Merlin rifles through Arthur’s words for any other meaning, anything else he could be saying that doesn’t ruin this whole thing. He comes to the only possible conclusion.

Arthur is telling Merlin that he’s in love with him.

Suddenly, Merlin can’t breathe.

Arthur keeps his eye contact with Merlin, but his eyes start to go fuzzy and glassy after a second, and just like that, the invisible tether between them snaps.

“So, now that the thanks are out of the way, let’s do one more round of shots! To bachelors!” Arthur toasts his empty beer bottle in the air and sways dangerously to the left, slipping off the table. He has to be caught by Leon and Percy, who dash up in their seats and slowly lower him to the floor. Both of them are staring at Merlin. Merlin knows how out of it he must look, face pale and hands shaking with his eyes out of focus.

All he can think is,  _what the fuck_ .  _What. The. Absolute. Fuck._  Merlin can’t stop looking back at Arthur, who is clearly unaware that something universe-shattering has just happened, and he tries to just breathe. He darts a glance over to Lancelot, the only other person who knows about that summer. Lance is staring at him, pale and making a face that says,  _are you fucking kidding me right now?_ Merlin contorts his face in what he hopes looks like  _I don’t fucking know_ and  _he told me he didn’t remember!_ at the same time.

And that’s when it hits Merlin square in the face; Arthur is getting married tomorrow. He’s drunk at his stag night on the night before his wedding, and he just told everyone that he’s in love with Merlin. Merlin, who’s been in love with him for years. As far as Merlin is concerned, Arthur has had plenty of time to confess this particular truth to Merlin back when it wouldn’t have had such disastrous consequences.  _Maybe Arthur was afraid._ This leads Merlin to another thought that immediately makes his stomach churn.

_What if Arthur isn’t even attracted to women at all?_

Merlin starts to hyperventilate in his seat. He has a death grip on his beer bottle, and he suddenly feels sick. He’s known Arthur since they were eleven, and never once has it been unclear to Merlin that he’s in love with Arthur. He’d dabbled in high school and uni, fooling around in the backs of cars and empty lecture halls, but none of it compared to the way he felt about Arthur.

Merlin’s known Gwen almost as long, and she’s always been a light to him when he’s needed it the most. She became the same for Arthur, providing stability in a time when he’d had so little to begin with. The fact that Arthur might not even be attracted to her beyond base compulsion terrifies him, both for the implications for Arthur and the inevitable heartbreak for Gwen.

When Arthur got engaged, Merlin was torn between being overjoyed for his friend and wanting to run into the bathroom and empty his guts into the toilet. While it was fair that he’d never made a direct move on Arthur himself (not counting the kiss, which was technically Arthur anyway), their friendship is flirtatious in nature, and their friends had even joked back in the early days of university that they should stop being stupid and get together already. Arthur always laughed and brushed it off, and Merlin always left those conversations with a hole somewhere in his chest that he couldn’t fill.

Merlin entertains the thought that maybe it took Arthur so long to propose to Gwen because deep down, he knew it wasn’t the right choice.

It’s a bit too late now for Arthur to change his mind, but he sure is giving it a hell of a try.

“Hey mate, maybe you should get him back to the hotel,” Gwaine says as he comes up behind Merlin, once again startling Merlin out of his thoughts. “Don’t want him to admit there’s a third person he’s in love with, right?”

Merlin can’t bring himself to acknowledge the joke. He feels heavy, like even moving his tongue in his mouth is a chore. His whole body feels tense and locked together. Merlin flicks his gaze up to Gwaine’s face, and Gwaine looks at him for a second before his eyes soften and his posture relaxes.

“Oh, Merlin,” he whispers. Merlin can tell there’s so much that Gwaine wants to say to him, so much that Gwaine wants to talk about.

Merlin doesn’t want to hear it.

“I got him from here,” Merlin bristles, wishing that the sentiment could reach the full potential of the meaning behind it. “Just make sure the tab is closed out.”

He stands up and brushes past Gwaine, marching over to Percy and Elyan who are holding Arthur upright. When they see Merlin approach, Percy looks relieved. Elyan looks like he’s going to be sick.

Merlin slowly approaches Arthur, who has drooled a little onto his shirt in the aftermath of his speech.

“Merlin,” Percy whispers, wrestling Arthur into Merlin’s grip and trying not to let him overhear. “What Arthur was saying… does he mean… was he saying he’s in love with you?”

Elyan visibly tenses as he gets Arthur’s arm up around Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin is quiet for the minute or so it takes to get Arthur’s slouching form secured, one of Merlin’s arms wrapped around his waist. Arthur’s body is warm against Merlin’s, and for once in his life, he hates the way it feels.

“Yes,” Merlin finally answers. His voice sounds small even to his ears. Percy picks up on it and his face turns to a look of pity.

“And all this time, you’ve…” Percy just stares between him and Arthur. Merlin nods.

“You should go,” Elyan whispers. “Before you ruin the whole wedding.”

Merlin looks at Elyan in disbelief.  _Is that what he thinks is going to happen? Is that what he thinks I’m going to do?_

“Elyan, I would neverー”

“Just go!” he says, louder this time. Loud enough for Arthur to register that something is happening. “Get him to the hotel. With our luck, he won’t remember anything in the morning.”

“‘M right here, you know,” Arthur mumbles. He pushes his head into Merlin’s shoulder to steady himself. Just for Merlin’s ears this time he rasps, “how do you always smell so good?”

“Okay Arthur, let’s get you back to the hotel,” Merlin says before Arthur’s comment could be picked up by anyone around them. Percy is still looking between them with sadness in his eyes while Elyan is seething. “You’ve had quite the night.”

“Mm, you’d better not take advantage of me,  _Mer_ lin,” Arthur slurs into the skin of Merlin’s shoulder as he’s pulled toward the exit. “But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it once or twice.” He pauses. “Or more than that.”

“Jesus Christ,” Merlin curses under his breath. They stumble out into the spring night as Merlin directs them toward the nearest tube station, dragging a stumbling Arthur behind him. They walk in silence for a few minutes, Arthur refusing to remove his face from Merlin’s shoulder the entire time. After a while Arthur says something, but it’s muffled into Merlin’s shirt.

“What?” Merlin says.

“Stole your cologne once, back when we lived together,” Arthur repeats. “You always smelled so good. Wanted to try it.”

_Fucking hell_. He registers that they’re still two blocks away from the station, and he has Arthur hanging all over him like a sloth.

“It wasn’t right though.” Arthur nuzzles deeper into the pocket between Merlin’s shoulder and his neck as if chasing the scent that once eluded him. Merlin isn’t fast enough to muffle his desperate whine. “Realized it wasn’t the cologne. It was all you.”

Merlin knows he needs to stop Arthur, to push him away and remind him that he’s getting married tomorrow. Arthur is wasted; anything he does right now can be blamed on the alcohol. But if Arthur remembers anything tomorrow, anything that Merlin agrees to or reciprocates, Merlin is done for. Unlike Arthur, the things he says can’t be taken back.

Merlin can’t pretend to not remember.

“You’re really pretty,” Arthur sighs, still nestled in Merlin’s shoulder.

“Don’t you think Gwen is pretty?” Merlin asks in an attempt to save the conversation.

“Of course Gwen is pretty,” Arthur replies. “But you’ve always been prettier.”

_Fucking. Hell._

“Okay Arthur, we’re almost there. You can sleep on the tube, and I’ll get you into the hotel.” Arthur makes an affirmative noise as Merlin carefully maneuvers them down into the station and onto the platform. He gets a couple weird looks from the handful of people waiting, but at this point, he really couldn’t care less.

They board after only a few minutes of waiting. The ride itself is uneventful, Arthur slouching down into a seat and quickly passing out. Merlin doesn’t feel bad about watching him sleep, telling himself that he’s only making sure Arthur doesn’t choke on his own vomit. Merlin shakes Arthur awake a stop before theirs so he’s at least conscious enough to get off the tube and into the hotel where the wedding party is staying. Merlin ushers them into a lift and presses the button for their floor.

“Room key?” Merlin asks.

“Back pocket.”

Arthur doesn’t move to grab it.

“...do you expect me to get it for you?”

“Of course, you’re my best man. You’re basically my servant.”

Merlin snorts and reaches for Arthur’s back pocket, grateful to see a piece of sober Arthur shining through the haze. He finds Arthur’s room key and gets out of the lift when it dings, finding Arthur’s room easily (it’s right next to his own) and swiping the card through the handle. He walks in and turns on just the bedside lamp, not wanting to assault Arthur with harsh lights.

“Think you can handle it from here?” Merlin asks.

“Don’t know,” Arthur says, leaning up against the wall and slumping to the floor. “Might just sleep here.”

“You can’t sleep on the floor, Arthur, your wedding is tomorrow.”

Arthur’s brows crease like he’s just remembered the wedding, and he groans.

“Help me to bed then. I don’t think my limbs are working properly.”

Merlin’s heart jumps in his chest before he forces it back down and pulls Arthur up from the floor. He guides Arthur to the king-sized bed in the middle of the room, and Arthur flops face-first into the pillows.

“Come on, Arthur, at least take your jeans off. I can’t do everything for you.”

“Mm, maybe you should.”

Merlin freezes, waiting for Arthur to say something that makes it all a joke. He doesn’t.

“Fine, I guess I’ll do it myself,” Arthur says into the pillows. He rolls over onto his back and starts unbuttoning his jeans, and Merlin quickly averts his eyes. It’s not anything he hasn’t seen beforeーhe and Arthur are best mates, after allーbut in this situation, it doesn’t seem appropriate. He hears shuffling on the bed as Arthur tugs his jeans down and throws them on the floor. Merlin knows that Arthur’s now just in a t-shirt and his boxers, and he can’t bring himself to look. He knows he shouldn’t.

“Merlin,” Arthur calls, low and sweet.

He looks.

Arthur is laying on the bed and staring at him with the most open and vulnerable expression Merlin has ever seen. He looks soft, bathed only in the warm light of the lamp, and he takes Merlin’s breath away for the second time that night. He looks like he’s trying to say something, taking a few extra seconds to work up the courage.

In the end, Arthur only says one word.

“Stay?”

Merlin would be lying to himself if he said he hasn’t wanted this as long as he can remember, and now it’s right here in front of him. Arthur, who’s just told Merlin he’s been in love with him for the better part of ten years. Arthur, who called him pretty. Arthur, who’s laying in a hotel bed in a t-shirt and boxers, beckoning Merlin closer like one of his most intimate daydreams, the ones he only breaks out when he’s wine-drunk and lonely.

Arthur, who is entirely and unquestioningly off-limits.

“Arthur, you know I can’t,” Merlin says even as his voice trembles, and it’s so unconvincing even to his own ears that he can’t imagine how weak it sounds to Arthur. Arthur’s face doesn’t change at first, but there’s a rigidity to his body that wasn’t there a moment ago. Without saying anything, Arthur rolls over and turns the bedside lamp off, ending whatever moment they almost had. Merlin stands there until he hears Arthur’s breathing even out, then quietly slips out the door, leaving Arthur’s room key on the nightstand next to the little velvet box that pledges him to Gwen.

 

—

 

Merlin’s alarm jars him awake at the ungodly hour of 7:30 AM the next morning. His head is pounding just a little, but it’s nothing a greasy breakfast and some ibuprofen won’t fix. He grabs his phone off the nightstand after a couple failed attempts and turns off the alarm he’s titled “wake up princess prat”, crawling out of the cocoon of blankets he’s created in the night. He pulls a t-shirt from his suitcase over his head and pads into the tiny bathroom in his bare feet, splashing some water on his face and downing a whole glass of water from the tap. He has no doubts about the fact that Arthur is not awake yet, despite it being the day of his own wedding; hence, the title of his alarm. He figures Arthur will be in a completely foul mood. Merlin remembers how drunk Arthur got last night: the bad karaoke, the dancing, the speech he gave on top of a tableー

Table.

Speech.

_Arthur_.

“Holy shit,” Merlin gasps as last night comes rushing back to him.

_Arthur said he’s in love with me._

Merlin stands with his hands on either side of the sink as he tries to process the wave of information. Arthur remembers kissing Merlin when they were fourteen. Arthur remembers, and apparently, it means more than he’s ever cared to let on.

Arthur isn’t straight.

Arthur is getting married to Gwen in seven hours, and he’s in love with Merlin.

Merlin pukes into the hotel toilet.

He’s shaking when his stomach finally calms down enough to let him stand up and wipe his mouth off. Merlin throws the used toilet paper into the bin and looks at himself in the mirror.

He looks like absolute hell.

He brushes his teeth in a daze, splashing some more water onto his face and trying to look like he didn’t just throw up the morning of his best friend’s wedding. He grabs his phone and room key and slips on some shoes before walking out into the hallway and over to Arthur’s room. Merlin stands there and takes some steadying breaths before knocking gently on the door.

“Arthur?”

He doesn’t get a response. He knocks a little harder.

“Arthur, come on. Let me in.”

Merlin hears a grumble from the other side of the door, but after waiting about a minute, the door still doesn’t open.

Merlin knocks as loud as he dares at 7:45 in the morning in a hotel hallway, hearing Arthur grumble louder this time.

“If you don’t let me in right now, I’ll get hotel security to unlock the door for me, and I promise I will make it as loud and as bright in this room as possible.”

He hears another grumble and a thudーhopefully Arthur getting out of bed, and not him falling out of it and onto the floorーand a few seconds later, the door opens to a grumpy-looking Arthur. He’s squinting against the harsh light of the hallway clad in just his boxers from last night, having lost his t-shirt sometime in his sleep.

Merlin fails at trying not to stare.

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come in?” Arthur says. His voice is raspy with sleep and the previous night’s use, and Merlin follows him into the room, clicking the door shut behind him. The room is dark, the curtains pulled shut and the lights from the digital clock covered with Arthur’s t-shirt. Well, that explains that.

“Did you even set an alarm?” Merlin asks, keeping his voice low as he watches Arthur grab his discarded t-shirt and pull a pair of pajama pants out of his suitcase.

“Nah, figured you would come wake me up.” Arthur dresses with the items in his hands and rubs at his eyes. “God, I feel awful.”

“Don’t know why that would be,” Merlin jokes. “I’m pretty sure no one in history has ever been as drunk as you were last night.”

“God, I hope I didn’t say anything embarrassing.” Arthur yawns and scratches at his neck. Merlin tenses and watches Arthur for any sign of recognition.

“Arthur,” he starts, treading lightly, “how much do you remember?”

“That bad, huh?” Arthur chuckles. He stretches his arms and sits back down at the foot of his bed. “Not a lot. It comes back to me in bits and pieces.”

“Let’s hope it stays that way,” Merlin says. He shivers as he remembers the feel of Arthur’s breath against his neck and his arm around Merlin’s shoulder, telling him softly that he’s pretty.

“I remember standing on a table. Did I give a speech?” Arthur is staring at the wall now. They’re both still talking in hushed tones to not aggravate Arthur’s head.

“Yeah,” Merlin laughs. “Yeah, you did. People recorded it, actually. I remember thinking if we were fast enough, we could have gotten it put into the wedding video.”

Arthur laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah, it’s coming back to me now. Did I call Percy a rock?”

“That you did. But you have to admit, it was adorable.”

Arthur continues to laugh softly as bits and pieces of the night come back to him. Merlin can’t help the fact that his heart is racing, both from the ease of being with Arthur like this and from the inevitability of Arthur remembering what he said. His stomach churns again even though he knows that there’s nothing left in it.

_I trust you to know what I mean._

“What did I say to you?” Arthur asks.

Merlin’s chest constricts as he struggles with what to say. How much of the truth does he tell Arthur? If Arthur remembers later, he’ll know Merlin lied to him. He takes a deep breath and steels himself.

“You told me there are a lot of places you wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for me.”

Arthur snorts. “That’s true. I wouldn’t be hungover on my wedding day, that’s for sure.”

Merlin laughs, but it sounds fake. He stands there and wonders if he should tell Arthur the rest, if Arthur deserves to know or if he’s better off in the dark. Merlin’s hands are trembling where they’re clutched at his sides, and Arthur looks over at him. He glances down and sees them.

“Merlin, what’s wrong?” Arthur asks. He stares at Merlin with concern, eventually getting up and walking over to where Merlin is standing.

“Merlin? What else did I say?”

_This is it. There’s no going back after this._

“You told me you remembered that night… the summer we turned fourteen.” Merlin watches as Arthur moves from confusion to recognition, his face going slack and pale. “Arthur, you told me you loved me.”

Merlin gets exactly three seconds of Arthur’s open and shocked expression before he reels back from Merlin a few steps and squeezes his eyes shut.

“You’re joking,” Arthur chokes out. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not.” Merlin’s tone is firm. “You can’t believe I would lie to you about something like this.”

“Jesus fuck,” Arthur whispers as he runs his hands hard through his hair. He rubs at his eyes a few times before opening them again and landing them on Merlin. “You… you were never supposed to know.”

“So it’s true?” Merlin asks, voice breaking halfway through. “You’re in love with me?”

Slowly, as if submerged in water, Arthur nods.

Merlin closes his eyes and falls back into the wall behind him, letting his head thunk back onto it.

“Fuck, Arthur, are you kidding me?”

“What?” Arthur says through clenched teeth, his shoulders tensing.

“You’re getting married today, that’s what! You couldn’t have let that slip oh, I don’t know,  _ten years ago?_ ”

Merlin is seething, his anger finally breaking through the shock. Arthur lied to him. Arthur lied to him and never thought it important enough to apologize and tell him the truth. Arthur winces at the volume of his voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry your head hurts. Maybe if you wouldn’t have gotten so drunk, I wouldn’t have to yell at you!”

“Why are you even yelling at me anyway?”

“Because you lied to me!” Merlin bites, louder than he should in a hotel room. Arthur winces again. “You told me you didn’t remember kissing meーyeah, that’s what happened, by the way,  _you_ kissed  _me_ ーand I spent ten years thinking it didn’t mean anything to you!” Once he’s started, Merlin can’t find it in him anywhere to stop. “And then last night you get as drunk as you were then, and I find out that, surprise,  _you’ve remembered this_   _whole fucking time!_ ”

“The fuck is it to you that I remembered?” Arthur fires back, his voice rising this time despite his headache.

“Because the only time you’re ever honest with me is when you’re drunk enough to take it back!” Merlin full-on yells, and he hears pounding on the wall from the hotel room next to them. Merlin can’t bring himself to care.

“I’m not drunk now!” Arthur seethes. He stalks right up into Merlin’s personal space, caging him in against the wall and pinning Merlin with his stare. Merlin realizes that Arthur is shaking. “I’m not drunk. My name is Arthur Pendragon, it’s eight in the morning on my wedding day, and I’m in love with you. And I don’t know why it’s such a big fucking deal to you because I’m getting married today anyway.”

“Arthur, that’s exactly why it’s a big deal! You’re getting married while you’re in love with someone else!”

Arthur looks away and clenches his jaw. “I mean, it’s not like it could have ever gone anywhere, so it doesn’t really count, does it?”

Merlin’s breath catches in his throat.

Arthur doesn’t know.

“Arthur,” Merlin says, and it’s soft and full of the love he’s never been able to express before. Arthur snaps his head back to him when Merlin brushes his knuckles softly down Arthur’s side, centimeters away from accidentally bumping their noses together. “Did you… did you really think I didn’t love you back?”

Arthur’s breath hitches in the back of his throat. Merlin knows Arthur is searching him for some kind of sign that he’s joking, that he doesn’t mean it, that they really haven’t gotten themselves into this position.

He knows that Arthur won’t find it.

“Do you love Gwen?” Merlin has to ask. He has to know. “Do you love her like you love me?”

Arthur slowly shakes his head.

Merlin speaks softer this time. “Are you even attracted to women at all?”

He sees Arthur’s jaw clench as he looks away, and Merlin is confused for a second before he realizes Arthur is trying not to cry. Arthur’s hands are in tight fists on the wall behind Merlin’s head, and he’s trembling with the effort to keep himself together.

Almost imperceptibly, Arthur shakes his head.

“Arthur,” Merlin consoles, something meant for only the two of them. “Arthur, it’s okay.”

Arthur stares off to the side for a few more seconds before taking a long, shuddering breath and letting his tears start to fall. He stays in his tensed position until Merlin gently lays a hand on the back of his head and guides Arthur into the pocket between his shoulder and neck, the same place Arthur had found comfort the previous night. Arthur’s hands shift down to twist into the soft fabric of Merlin’s worn pajama shirt as a sob is ripped from his lungs, and he lets himself cry. Merlin just stands there and holds him, one hand running softly up and down Arthur’s back.

“It’s okay,” he soothes. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Arthur holds him tighter, and they stay like that until long after the breakfast hours downstairs are over.

 

—

 

Arthur is pacing around his room the same way he has been for the last hour, his tuxedo perfectly fitted and pressed. Merlin is leaning against the wall in his own tux, sick of trying to interfere with whatever flavor of panic Arthur has picked this time. They’d done all the earlier pre-wedding activities in near silence, too busy with preparations to focus on anything else, and now they had some time alone while everything else got set up.

“Merlin, I can’t back out now. My  _father_  is here. My sister is Gwen’s maid of honor!” Arthur reaches a hand up to run it through his hair, stopping halfway and dropping it back down once he remembers he had it styled not even a half hour ago. He looks gorgeous in his full attire despite the panic registering across his face, and his eyes catch the light from the open window and make Merlin’s heart ache. Arthur makes the perfect groom, he realizes, the gold-dusted lilacs pinned to his tux matching the ones on Merlin’s own. They really chose the most beautiful wedding colors, the gold and lilac accenting both he and Gwen’s personalities. It’s a shame that half the wedding party won’t be able to truly appreciate them.

“Arthur, the wedding is in an hour,” Merlin sighs. “There’s nothing you can do at this point, so just stop worrying about it.”

“Stop worrying about it?” Arthur stops his pacing to meet Merlin’s eyes.  _Here we go again_. “I’m marrying Gwen while I’m in love with you!”

“So?” Merlin says, colored with sarcasm. “You were more than fine with that twenty-four hours ago.”

Arthur stares at him pointedly. “I didn’t know you were in love with me twenty-four hours ago.”

“Not sure it would have made a difference then, either.”

Arthur deflates, staring at the ground before dropping back down onto the edge of his bed. His voice sounds small when he speaks.

“You’re in love with me and you’re telling me to get married to someone else?”

The air between them is charged and thick, and Merlin has to work to swallow the breath he takes. “Well, it’s not like you really gave me a choice.”

The silence that follows is uncomfortable. Arthur worries his bottom lip between his teeth, his brows creased together. Merlin can see the gears turning in his head, can see what Arthur is going through. Maybe it’s because Merlin accepted a long time ago that he was going to have to watch the man he loves marry someone else, but he isn’t freaking out nearly as strong as Arthur is. In the end, Merlin speaks first.

“Look, Arthur. This is shit, okay? And maybe we could have avoided it somewhere down the line, but we can’t now.” Merlin takes a shaky breath. “I always knew I would have to watch you go. I’ll be okay.”

Arthur tries to interrupt him, but Merlin keeps going.

“Gwen is good for you, she always has been. She’s your safety net. Let her continue to be that for you. You guys can… can have kids.” Merlin struggles to keep his emotions in check. “You two can have a beautiful life. Don’t take that away from yourself.”

Merlin doesn't trust himself to keep speaking after that, too caught up in the images of Arthur and Gwen’s perfect life. He’s trying to keep his tears at bay enough already. When Merlin makes eye contact with Arthur, he’s staring up at him with that open expression again, the one that Merlin can’t stand to see because it makes his stomach twist.

“Merlin, you… you were prepared to watch me dedicate my life to someone else? Without even giving this a chance?” Arthur speaks softer this time. “We could have had a beautiful life too.”

“What was I supposed to do, Arthur?” Merlin hisses. “I thought you were straight! We all did!”

Arthur doesn’t speak. Merlin instantly recognizes what it means, reveling in the way he can immediately read Arthur’s body language, but hating what it’s saying. He considers the possibility that Arthur purposefully kept this part of himself from Merlin, from one of his only friends that would understand it completely. He has to ask.

“Is there anyone who knew?”

Arthur tenses, refusing to meet Merlin’s gaze. Merlin’s face hardens.

“So there is someone?”

Arthur’s jaw clenches as he stares at the wall. He takes his time before answering. “Morgana knows.”

“Jesus Christ, Arthur.” Merlin shoves down the feeling of betrayal that wells up in his chest. Right now is not the time to deal with it.

“I said I was bi. Her finding out about it was kind of an accident, but you know how Morgana is.”

Merlin stays silent. Once again, he doesn’t trust himself to speak.

“I thought it fit, then. It felt safe. But I kept dating women, and none of it felt the same as being with you.” He swallows. “I’m not sure where that puts me, but at this point, I don’t think it matters.”

Merlin curses under his breath. He can feel his anger bubbling inside him, waiting for the perfect moment to burst. He desperately tries to keep it in check.

“You could always object,” Arthur says, his tone low and hesitant.

Merlin scoffs. “Arthur, you know I’m not going to do that.”

“Why not?” Arthur looks up at him. “They put it in the ceremony for a reason, don’t they? This way I don’t have toー”

“Don’t have to what, Arthur?” Merlin snaps, his composure finally breaking. “Don’t have to take responsibility for  _your_ mess?”

“I am taking responsibility!” Arthur yells. “Half the wedding party knows about it already. How is this any different from me calling off the wedding?”

“Because you don’t have the guts to do it yourself!” Merlin retorts. “I get how awful this is for you, really, I do. But can you for one moment stop to think about how I feel? You’re telling me you love me and then casting me aside like I’m your mistress.” Merlin is walking around the room now, finding his phone and personal items. “I know I mean more to you than that, and I’m not going to settle for being less.”

“Merlin, please—”

“I don’t care what you do, Arthur, but I am  _not_ going to be your homewrecker.”

Arthur seems to realize Merlin is trying to leave, and he stands up abruptly. “Where are you going?”

Merlin checks himself in the entryway mirror and turns to open the door. “To the church. Some of us have a wedding to attend.”

“What if we didn’t?” Arthur tries.

“That’s not up to me.”

Merlin looks back at Arthur, some of his anger disintegrating. Arthur really does look stunning in his wedding attire, the sun outlining him and making him look golden and ethereal. Arthur is staring at Merlin like he needs him, like he can’t figure out what to do and if he just had Merlin with him, then everything would be fine. Merlin softens and curses his heart for making him want to run over and kiss Arthur senseless.

He steps back from the door and drops his bag down onto the floor. “Arthur, I love you. I have for a long time.” Merlin trembles with the weight of it. “But it’s not fair for you to expect me to break up your wedding.”

“I know.” Arthur shifts awkwardly, looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry. I was just… looking for excuses, I guess.”

“It’s okay,” Merlin reassures him. “I was too.”

Arthur stays quiet for a few seconds, then lets out a sad laugh. “They say your wedding is supposed to be the best day of your life. I messed that one up a bit, don’t you think?”

“Royally,” Merlin smiles, and the banter between them settles the silence into something comfortable. Merlin feels stripped raw from the outpouring of emotions he’s experienced in the past few hours alone, and there’s a smile shining on Arthur’s face for the first time that day. Merlin can’t resist taking the few extra steps and pulling Arthur into a hug, careful not to damage the lilacs still pinned to their suits. Arthur relaxes against him and returns the hug like he’s been waiting for it his whole life. Merlin can smell Arthur’s cologne, the familiar spicy leather scent making him want to burrow deeper into him and never let go.

It feels like coming home.

When Merlin steps back, it’s Arthur who leans in. Merlin’s heart starts racing, and he’s about to push Arthur away when Arthur moves past his lips to land a soft, lingering kiss onto his cheek. Arthur’s lips are a little chapped, and the kiss is no more than a brush of his lips against Merlin’s skin. It still feels more intimate than any other kiss Merlin’s ever had.

The moment is broken when a sharp knock sounds at the door.

“Arthur, is Merlin in there with you? The wedding is in less than an hour!” Morgana’s voice calls from the other side of the door. “I will not let you be late to your own wedding!”

With a sigh, the two of them separate and gather their things. They open the door to a stressed but devastatingly beautiful Morgana who ushers them out and into a lift. Merlin spares one more fleeting glance at Arthur, chancing a hesitant smile that he hopes says,  _it’s gonna be okay._

When Arthur looks back at him with the same smile, for a moment, Merlin lets himself believe it.

 

—

 

The church is dazzling. The ceilings are high and the room is swathed in soft afternoon light streaming in from the large windows, illuminating the altar set up at the front. Bouquets of flowers are set up along each line of pews, connected with strips of airy, cream-colored cloth. There are people seated in the first seven rows on both sides, extended family and close friends making themselves comfortable in the church. Uther is sitting in the front row on Arthur’s side in the seat closest to the aisle, still managing to look wary despite his son getting married to someone he approves of.

Merlin isn’t paying attention to any of it.

He’s positioned on the left side of the altar where Arthur’s party stands, closest to Arthur and with Gwaine to his right. Percy, Leon, and Lance make up the rest of the line of groomsmen, all dressed in dark suits with lilacs pinned to their jackets. They’re lined up just behind where the couple will be standing so they can still watch the ceremony. Gwen’s party is on the other side of the altar; Morgana, Elyan, Elena, and Mithian are all dressed in lilac, the three women in dresses and Elyan in a lilac vest over a cream button-down. Each of their outfits is accented with something gold.

The attention to detail is impeccable, and the decorations for the ceremony are striking in their beauty. The officiant stands in the center of the altar, and Arthur is stood off to the man’s right. Despite the hallowed feel of the church hall, Merlin can’t look anywhere but at him.

The music starts and the room quiets down. Since the wedding party is already in place, the guests crane their necks back toward the doors in anticipation of the bride. The doors open and Gwen walks in, her father’s arm wrapped in hers. She looks elegant in her gown, her hair down around her shoulders as she’s led down the aisle.

Gwen steps up onto the altar in front of Arthur. She gazes up at him with less pure adoration and love and more slight trepidation, and Merlin finds himself wondering if somehow, she knows. Arthur is staring down at Gwen like a deer in headlights, and he looks bewildered, not at all like a man staring at the love of his life.

Merlin knows what that looks like on Arthur.

The officiant starts the ceremony. From what he remembers it’s fairly basic, Arthur and Gwen choosing to not write their own vows.

“We are gathered here on this beautiful day to witness the union of Arthur Pendragon and Guinevere Smith in holy matrimony. This is a day of great celebration, for a married life—a shared life—is a great blessing.”

The officiant’s voice booms through the church, and Merlin has to shove down the lump in his throat. The ceremonial words sting in their inaccuracy.

“As Arthur and Guinevere embark on this journey together, they will be able to nurture a love that makes them better versions of themselves. Marriage is a garden we sow with love and harvest in personal growth.”

Merlin has heard this speech before when Gwen picked it out at the beginning of their preparations and during their rehearsals. He finds himself tuning most of it out until he hears those specific words come out of the officiant’s mouth.

“—and it endures through every circumstance. If anyone should object to this marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

Merlin can feel the sudden tension snap into place throughout the entire wedding party. The guests are clueless to it, expecting the silence. Merlin is staring straight at Arthur, silent with his lips firmly pressed together. Merlin wasn’t joking when he said he wasn’t going to ruin this ceremony.

The moments seem to stretch out in the uncomfortable silence, and Merlin feels his heart drop deeper into his stomach with every one that passes. Merlin sees Arthur shift on his feet, and he seems to make a decision as his jaw sets. Arthur lifts his head then, his eyes blazing with courage. He opens his mouth as if to speak, and Merlin’s heart leaps from its depths, soaring up into his throat.

Arthur is going to object.

Arthur is going to object and Merlin knows it, after everything they’ve been through today he’s going to do it,  _for Merlin,_  and right when Merlin gets extremely dizzy and Arthur goes to form the words, a voice comes from Merlin’s right.

“I object.”

Every single head in the room turns toward the man who spoke and is now stepping forward. Merlin’s breath catches.

Lancelot.

“Gwen, I know this isn’t what you want. We’ve danced around each other for years, and I know you feel the same way I do. If I’m wrong—if you imagine yourself happily with Arthur thirty years from now, growing old together—then I’ll leave you to get married. I just want to give you the chance to really think about it, about what we could be.”

Lance and Gwen’s eyes have been locked since he started, Gwen shining with the love and adoration she should be awarding her fiancé. The audience is in shock, Gwen’s father watching with wide eyes and Uther looking positively livid. Merlin wrenches his eyes away from Lancelot to look back at the man he loves, the man who was ready to break up his entire wedding to embrace who he is, and sees that he looks lighter than he has in days.

Gwen and Arthur exchange words that are too quiet for anyone else to hear, but Merlin thinks he can see Gwen mouthing his name and Arthur nodding in reply. They have a short conversation with the officiant, who seems as taken aback as the rest of them, before turning to face the audience.

“Arthur Pendragon and Guinevere Smith have decided against moving forward with their union at this time. Please remain seated while we discuss details.”

At that, the entire audience erupts into hushed whispers. Gwaine claps Merlin on the back, Percy and Leon looking his way and giving him reassuring smiles. Lance is still standing with them in the line, swaying slightly on his feet, but his eyes are shining with hope and love. Merlin has never felt happier for him.

The wedding guests are talking amongst themselves louder now, some sounding scandalized and some relieved. Everyone is looking between Gwen, Arthur, and Lancelot, figuring out if they should feel for Arthur or if he’s been a part of this from the start. Merlin is getting more and more anxious as the minutes pass, wondering if he should stay where he is or make a move toward Arthur. He can’t stop thinking about how if Lance hadn’t stepped in, Arthur would have stopped his own wedding in front of all their guests. It’s one thing to express his desires in private to Merlin (and technically to all his groomsmen, as much as that was a mistake), and another thing completely to voice them bravely in front of everyone, baring his deepest secret to a room that would be nothing but judgmental.

Merlin feels himself fall just a little more in love.

Eventually, both Arthur and Gwen turn away from the officiant and face their guests, and Gwen speaks first.

“Thank you all for coming. We’d love it if you’d stay for the reception; we don’t want the party to go to waste. Um…” Gwen looks between Arthur and the officiant, figuring out what to say next.

At her hesitation, Arthur takes over. “This marriage isn’t what either of us wanted. It may have taken us a bit too long to realize it, but I’ve learned that it’s better to be late than to never realize it at all.” Arthur turns around and looks at Merlin then, his eyes open and honest with the emotion Merlin has finally pinpointed as all-consuming love. Merlin stares right back, and he knows the same love is shining in his eyes; it’s the same way he’s looked at Arthur for the past ten years.

“We want to celebrate love,” Gwen starts again, “as it’s something both Arthur and I found today. Um, you can all make your way to the reception hall now, if you like. Thank you again, and I promise the food will be worth it!”

Their guests stand up and start to leave, some of the trying to come up and talk to the ex-bride and groom. Percy and Leon move to block most of the people walking up, saying that they can talk at the reception. Gwen’s bridesmaids and Arthur’s groomsmen are swarming the two of them, and Merlin’s only thought is that he has to get to Arthur. He steps down from where he’s standing and pushes through the mass of his friends to get to him, his back to Merlin when he finally breaks through. Merlin puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Arthur.”

Arthur shifts around to look at Merlin.

“Arthur, we need to talk.”

Instead of looking happy, Arthur looks tired and a little anxious when Merlin pulls him away from the crowd and into a secluded corner of the church. Merlin can barely contain the excitement and love that’s threatening to burst out of him as he takes in the fact that the love of his life is standing in front of him, finally available and Merlin’s for the taking.

“Arthur, I—”

“Merlin, I’m sorry,” Arthur interrupts. He sounds desperate and manic. “I was going to object, I was—I was standing up there and thinking, this is the rest of my life, and I knew I couldn’t go through it without you, and I was going to object but Lance did it first, and—”

“Arthur.” Merlin stops him in his tracks. “Arthur, I saw you. I saw you almost object.” Arthur’s eyes go wide, and they’re glistening now with unshed tears. “Thought you were going to give me a heart attack, to be honest.”

Merlin jokes with Arthur in an attempt to dispel whatever notion Arthur has about how Merlin is going to react. Merlin feels like he’s glowing from the inside out with love for Arthur, for this man who was willing to risk everything he’d so carefully built just for a chance at love.

“I know it’s not what you asked for,” Arthur stumbles, “so I’ll—I’ll understand if this isn't... if _I’m_ not... something you want.” Arthur’s voice goes quiet. “You can leave, if you like.”

Merlin stares at him incredulously. Arthur loves him and is willing to let him go if that's what Merlin wants. He thinks that's what Merlin wants, all because it wasn’t Arthur who called off the wedding.

They really are two utter idiots.

Merlin steps closer and gently places his hands on both sides of Arthur’s face, resting his forehead on Arthur’s. “If you think for a second I would ever turn down a chance to be with you, you really are the biggest idiot in this entire room.”

Arthur’s face slowly changes from lost and sad to stunningly bright, looking at Merlin like there’s no one else he’d ever need to look at again. When he speaks, it comes out shaky.

“I thought we’d agreed that was already the case.”

“That we did,” Merlin laughs, and he leans in and kisses Arthur for the first time in ten years.

The kiss is gentle but intense nonetheless, filled with emotions neither of them has been able to express for so long. Merlin’s hands are still on Arthur’s face as one of Arthur’s goes to land at his nape, fingers lightly playing with the hair there. Arthur’s lips are still slightly chapped as he sucks Merlin’s bottom lip into his mouth, but Merlin has never had a more perfect kiss. Somewhere in his mind he registers that their wedding party is cheering, and he doesn’t know what it’s about, but it feels like it’s all for them.

They pull apart, their cheeks flushed with color and their eyes bright. Merlin can’t stop smiling, can’t imagine a time where he would ever stop if Arthur keeps looking at him like this. Merlin hears someone clear their throat and they both look over to see Uther standing up and leaving, his mouth pressed in a thin line and a vein popping out of his forehead.

“Well, I guess that answers that question,” Arthur mumbles as he watches his father barge out of the doors at the end of the hall.

“Do you want to…” Merlin asks and gestures at where Uther just left. Arthur stares at the doors for a few more seconds and then turns back to Merlin.

“Nah, I’ll deal with him later.” Arthur steps back into Merlin’s space and leans over Merlin’s shoulder, brushing his lips against Merlin’s ear. “I have a lot of things to catch up on.”

Merlin laughs and pushes at Arthur’s chest even as he feels the heat race down his spine. “Save it for after the reception. Some of us are hungry.”

Arthur’s hands are on his waist even though Merlin is trying to push him off, and he leans in and kisses Merlin one more time like he can't resist. They’re both laughing and pawing at each other to get closer, and Merlin thinks that no matter where they are or who they’re with, he’ll never turn Arthur away.

 

—

 

Most of the guests show up to the reception, and once the open bar has been visited by nearly everyone, the party is in full swing. The food really is fantastic, and the music keeps everyone in a light and happy mood. Later in the night when the music slows, Gwaine pushes Merlin and Arthur onto the dance floor along with Lance and Gwen, both couples holding each other close, Gwen still in her wedding dress but only having eyes for Lance. When the night draws to a close, the guests slowly filter out, and the wedding party makes their way over to the hotel to get some sleep. Nobody notices Merlin and Arthur slipping into the same hotel room.

Not once during the night does Arthur drop Merlin’s hand from his own.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, as i'm still trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly. this is my first fic in this fandon, but there are plenty more already on the way! you can come say hi or give me prompts on [my tumblr](http://sunxcherries.tumblr.com).


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